The Bluegrass....is green.

Let me know that I've done wrong
When I've known this all along
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you

Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone, or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Who has to know

When we live such fragile lives
It's the best way we survive
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you

Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone, or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Who has to know

The way she feels inside (inside)
Those thoughts I can't deny (deny)
These sleeping dogs won't lie (won't lie)
And all I've tried to hide
It’s eating me apart
Trace this life out

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone, or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret)

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone, or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Dirty little secret
Dirty little secret

Who has to know?
who has to know?



Many times you hear about people who have ruined lives with their secrets. There are those who protect others and ultimately save lives with their secrets. I like to think I help myself by keeping secrets. My 'dirt little secrets' make me feel strong and in control. In the end, couldn't that be what saves me?



Just a thought.

Another day....no tattoo. :( All I want is the surge of energy and the high from it. Soon?!?!?

I finally went to Cumberland River...today. This is the first male therapist I have seen. I was so so so scared.....anxiety to the extreme. Heres what happened...

I was the only person in the waiting room, good thing too. I am sure everyone would have heard my heart pounding and I wouldn't want to disturb them. I am sitting there, trying to catch my breath when I hear my name and look up to see a middle aged man with a kind face. He brings me to see office and I sit down. He introduces himself as Jim, we shake hands. I wonder if he could feel me trembling....

I don't usually do well when speaking with new people. I guess its the social anixety that accompanies my depression. After he fetches the intake paperwork on me, it starts the million question process. As soon as he asks why exactly I have sought help, my voice seems to disappear. Try as I may, I could not speak. I sat there with my mouth open, trying to come out with the words I had rehearsed, hoping I wouldn't do this. When I finally got myself back into the present, I reached into my pocket for the slip of paper I had brought with me. My voice returned and I said "I don't do well talking to new people, so I wrote down my 'issues"." As I hand him the paper, I feel a sudden wave of relief. He sits there and reads it and fight to stay in reality. I really just want to daze out into a comfort zone...

Jim finishes reading and looks up at me, "classic bipolar disorder." Why he chose those words, I know not.

"Ever been physically abused?"

"I wouldn't call it abuse...."

"Spanked too hard? Slapped or pushed around? Hit in any manner aside from spankings?"

"Ok...yes."

"Verbal abuse? Been told hurtful things? Called stupid, useless, etc.?"

"Yes."

"Sexual abuse?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." I give him a strange look...

"Just checking. Its hard to admit those types of things."

He moves on to ask about my mood fluctuations. Whether I am usually on top of the world or down in the dumps. After I tell him I stay depressed, he asks how long each of these episodes usually last.

We discuss my prescription and how it runs out in 3 short weeks. He explains since I have seen a T, they can call the old Pdoc and ask for another month's script. He then says he is going to discuss me with their psychiatrist to see if he'll want to see me soon. He openly suggests there is no question about it. I will see the doctor. I am to keep taking the meds I have now, as prescribed.

This is where it got really awkward. He starts to tell me to be careful when I feel on top of the world> he is worried I might be permiscuous and wants to be sure I am aware of the risks of unprotected sex. I inform him I am in fact a virgin....that discussion finally ends.

He was going to have me come back tomorrow, but they are closed on Saturdays. So, next Friday...i will be back there...doing some diagnostic sheet thing. Yea....strange day.


"This is a place to let go of secrets. We won't tell a soul, but we will try to help you."

RIP Kelly Renee Jewell 2/7/06 car accident 17 yrs old

RIP John Thomas Sharp motorcycle accident 21 yrs old, brother-in-law

RIP Katherine Boyer Dunaway 82 yrs old? retired from a long a rewarding life

RIP Thomas Ward Carrico at peace after a long struggle with alzheimers (sp?) g-g-uncle

RIP Tonya Middler leukemia 21 yrs old

death...beautiful and menancing follows me....

As I was flipping the channels I stumbled on CMT.....wtf?!?! Shania Twain singing and dressed pretty slutty. She has 3 fiddle players in her band...all of them trying to dress like rock stars! What is that? That is not, I repeat...is NOT country music. Country music is Roy Orbison...Buck Owens..Charlie Pride...Emmylou Harris...The Hee Haw Gospel Group, Dolly Parton, Connie Whitley, Freddy Fender (RIP!), George Jones, Johnny Cash ( I SO liked him before Walk the Line), Hank Williams...I could go on forever. Point being...quit trying to blend music genres toegther! Don't do it! Honky Tonk, drinking songs/classic country happens to be my current fav genre and I think its stooooooopid what new country artists are doing!


I <3 rock and I adore classic country....but, not together!

Ash didn't call me like she promised. Glad to know I am appreciated. *sarcastic smile* I have never understood myself...I never mind listening to others and I always do my best to help them in any way possible, but I am always ashamed/afraid of asking someone else to help me. I suppose most of the time I feel like I am unhelpable...perhaps I am too far gone? All this stuff with Ash pulls me back to all the things about myself I am trying overcome/ignore. I really wanted to get that tattoo tonight. I would have felt so much better. But, I don't. My goal for tomorrow is to get the courage to get that tattoo between 12-3. I soooo need it.

More later.

Yep. You read that right. A friend of mine, Ashley, called me last night just as I was about to fall asleep. She told me she was contemplating suicide. Now, I know what she does when she is in this state of mind and it concerned me. First, though, I regressed to May '05 when I was in the same position and a friend turned me in...I was detained. I had to talk her for about 10 minutes before she agreed to let me speak with a roommate of hers. I let Randy know she was in fact NOT seeking attention and he better act on it tonight. Although I know his b/f (yes, hes gay) dislikes me greatly, I know of no reason for Randy to doubt my words. I made her promise not to cut or try anything last night and I also made both her and Randy agree to go to the hospital first thing in the morning. She let me know that she would be sleeping in their bedroom (Randy made her, to watch over her) and that relieved me a little bit.
I went back to bed, but couldn't sleep. I spent the next hour or so text messaging BJ, seeking his advice. I have been slipping back into my own issues lately and have recently decided a tattoo will fix it. As I write this, my anxiety remains at a steady high, but that will go away soon....Olivia and I are going to Corbin after work-study so I can permanently mark my body again. Fazoli's anyone?!